Hmmm. Way past time to get that fixed.

——-

Do I like Tom Waits, or do I just want to be someone who likes Tom Waits?

——-

A conversation I want to have

Other guy: It’s my right as an American to have one, and I’m not apologizing for doing everything I can to make sure my family’s safe. Any arguments?

Me: Of course not. We’re talking about fire extinguishers, right?

——-

Bailey Quarters was the hot one. Remember that time they played part of Pink Floyd “Animals” on the show? Man.

——-

That makes about 10 too many times in the last two months. I look at a clock or the phone and it’s 9:11. The first five or so times, I chalked it up to coincidence. Now 9:11 is most definitely A Thing That’s Happening. To Me. Worse is 9:10. “Whew, what I relief!” Then, “Shit. Now what?”

——-

Do I like Kendrick Lamar, or do I just want to be someone who likes Kendrick Lamar?

——-

Presidential addresses I want to see (1):

(At the beginning of live broadcast, President Barack Obama takes his position behind podium bearing presidential seal. He speaks.)

“Ectoplasm. Spectral phenomena. Poltergeists. EVP. Things seen or heard in an instant that shadow a lifetime. Spectres. ‘Haints’. We’re talking about ghosts. And tonight, I announce to the American people …”

——-

Your band plays Americana music? Great! No, really. Got some pedal steel guitar, electric piano, Uncle Tupelo urgency, “Rust Never Sleeps” volume and feedback. Here’s the thing, though: I deduct points every time your guy sings something about “this town.” No, you’re being a dick. You don’t like “this town”? Move, god damn it.

——-

“You jive turkey!” I’ve just always wanted to say that. Thanks.

——-

And here I thought Indiana’s economy was largely driven by manufacturing. Truth time: Bakers, florists, photographers, caterers. Don’t that just beat all?

——-

Presidential addresses I want to see (2):

(The president of the United States ((POTUS)) is scheduled to address the nation via live broadcast. The topic: Full-boil tensions between POTUS and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, and the implications that strained relationship has on the setting of restrictions on Iran’s nuclear capabilities. At the beginning of live broadcast, President Barack Obama takes his position behind podium bearing presidential seal. A familiar piano intro is heard. A rapt viewership asks, “Is that REO?” The president opens his mouth.)

“You should have seen by the look in my eyes, Bibi, there was something missing,” the president sings. “You should have known by the tone of my voice, Bibi, but you didn’t listen…”

“Holy fuck,” a rapt viewership says. “Is this really happening?” In fact, yes. A rapt viewership struggles to get its bearings and process the “Holy fuck” import of this historic moment.

“And though I know ‘bout Republicans, Bibi I don’t remember…,” sings the elected POTUS, as a rapt viewership thinks, “OK, but you kind of make a point of bringing it up.” Right before thinking, “No way POTUS is going to …”

“And I’m gonna KEEP ON loving JEWS,” sings POTUS. “Cuz it’s the only thing I wanna do …I don’t wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on loving Jews.”

“Well, holy shit,” says a nation in thrall, owning up that “Hi Infidelity” is a pretty solid piece of work. What, it’s a crime to hear songs on the radio? A nation takes stock of history in the making, and is grateful that its commander-in-chief didn’t opt for “Take It On The Run,” which lends itself a tad too readily to “Takin’ on Iran,” ham-fisted statesmanship (“If that’s the way you want it, Bibi”) if ever there was.

Really, says a once-divided nation, the only way this thing could be any way fucking cooler is if former REO guitarist Gary Richrath came out in the middle of Obama’s speech for the solo. Then he hands Obama the pick so POTUS can do that pick slide that’s, like, a significant chunk of the solo, while POTUS looks directly at the camera and nods sagely as if to say, “Pick slide, bitches. Iran nuke deal or whatever.”

Then that happens.

(written by Scott)