“Is shit on fire?!?” isn’t something I enjoy asking while looking out the window at an eerie glow, but sometimes it’s the best I can do.

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Pointing out that “Jump Into The Fire” is an LCD Soundsystem cover of a Harry Nilsson tune? That’s just being helpful.

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Some days I want to give just one more good tug on Stretch Monster. And then put Stretch Monster in the freezer or whatever you were supposed to do when Stretch Monster ripped.

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That guy who checks the Internet to make sure he’s been playing the opening riff to “Paranoid” properly is a guy who cares and listens. So there.

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Don’t feel bad about, “Wait, NOW I get it!” All in good time…

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My friend Bevan recently celebrated a birthday. I wanted to mark the occasion with more than just a card, and arrived at using social media to push for “bevan” as a verb form. “I bevan after work,” “I just bevved, and I feel fantastic,” “You should really bevan.” What action is “bevan”? “Scrutinize” and “hike” would be fine, but not “grave rob.” That’s not Bevan. The Bevan I know would weigh the cost/benefit of digging up a grave and say, “No.”

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Take that scene when Norman Bates is talking to Marion Crane over dinner. He says, “stuffing birds,” “stuffed birds” and “I like to stuff birds” in about a three-minute stretch. It’s like Hitch is saying, “Get it? Get it?” NOW I get it, but let’s pretend I just saw “Psycho” for the first time.

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What’s with this either/or, binary code stuff? Why does something always have to be “better” than something else? DC or Marvel? Warner Bros. or Hannah-Barbera? Sheesh. At least let’s put this to rest: Can’t we all just agree that Depeche Mode covering “Can’t Get Enough” and Bad Company covering “Just Can’t Get Enough” would both be ridiculously awesome?

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Marion Crane. NOW etc. Seriously, Hitch, just go ahead and do a movie about birds, already.

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You can only say, “I don’t think that novel has a theme, per se,” so many times before people who are close readers nod politely and continue their conversation.

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Tough not to score instant cred by referencing Howard Zinn. Or Celtic Frost.

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DC is Swamp Thing, Marvel is Man-Thing, in a nutshell.

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“I’m not racist, but …” is pretty much a giveaway.

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It’s Warner Bros. Jabberjaws? Are you fucking kidding?

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Maybe today. Maybe today I’ll use “perfunctory” in conversation.

(Written by Scott. Photo by Bevan.)